literature

The Mire

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Literature Text

  One gloomy evening, when the sunlight would still paint the sky blue and the birds mark the death of the light with their sweet tunes, I was walking down a path to a village that lay through a dark yet beautiful forest. As I turned around a corner, the woods, which were full of life, grew silent. I didn't notice that however for I was admiring the beauty of the village cathedral which could already be seen far away. But after a few paces an obscure noise reached my ears and made me draw my attention from the building. On hearing the sound I stopped for a moment and looked around with curiosity. It came again and louder so I looked towards the place the noise seemed to be coming from and took a few uncertain steps towards the trees. There was a strange disturbance in that dull sound. It came once more and clear enough for me to identify it as a scream, coming from the depths of woods. I stood there confused, anxiously gazing into the depths of the forest. I was nailed in my place, not sure what to do and how to react. Suddenly a whole chain of mixed and completely meaningless screams and roars came pouring from the woods, as if someone was being torn into pieces. A strong urge to leave this muddy road as soon as possible aroused in me. Anxiety started turning into fear as I looked around and found that the road was totally empty. The cries continued coming. A shiver went down my spine as I seemed to distinguish a cry for help amidst those abrupt and nonsensical screams, and then it was all gone. Silence. A chilling, empty and grey silence. Not even a wind would blow to break that wall of silence that is more common to the graveyards. My nerves were so tight you could play a tune on them, my whole body shivered because of the stillness that was surrounding me. After hesitating for a moment I hurried away from the forest in total confusion, looking behind my back every ten-fifteen paces, trying to understand what had just happened and hopelessly convincing myself that those cries where nothing more than just some strange birds: you know, some owls or other creatures that are capable of making such noises and screams that will make your heart stop and blood freeze in your veins. Those screams never repeated.
  
  The more I was getting closer to the village the more I was becoming sure that it indeed was just an owl or a raven or maybe both, arguing about who shall sit on the branch or something like that. But just as I was about some hundred meters away from the gates of the village that same scream tore the stillness in the air into myriad pieces with such a strength that I almost lost the ground beneath me. This time the scream came right from behind me. At such moments you don't even have time to get scared properly, you just instinctively lean forward at the same time turning around in one sharp second with eyes wide open, prepared to face the uncertainty that lies behind you, only to find an empty path in the wilderness with barely seen flock of birds crossing the horizon painted grey. I was paralysed. Standing silently I looked up to see that bird which scared me that much, but there was no sign of life anywhere near me. My whole body sweating I looked in the direction of the path I came from; the same wall of silence was standing firmly all around me. I began thinking that I was going mad. All dazed, I started to pointlessly look towards the way I had come from; stormy clouds were gathering in the distance. I realized it was better I hurried so I shook my head to draw the confusion away and focus on the whole fact of absurdity of all this and turned around. What I saw next made me forget every thought that was in my head some seconds ago. I startled unable to utter a single word. The village, that was right behind me, was now gone. Instead there was the path by the woods near which I first heard those screams. The village cathedral's top could be distinguished far away as if I had never moved from my place. The ground seemed to give away, I felt like a drunk man standing from his seat after finishing a whole beer keg; my vision blurred, I felt the whole world around me go in circles. I tried slapping my face but the road wouldn't go away; it was still there, so was the forest and so was the village, except the stormy clouds were still persisting. I couldn't believe my eyes. I still hoped to find a logical explanation to all this but in vain. I was so absorbed with what had just happened that I had completely forgotten about the sounds in the woods, which were nice enough to gently remind me of their presence, but this time they were much more severe and chilling. There were several voices screaming mainly a total mess - pleading for mercy, asking for help or just yelling. At the same time the bushes and branches at the front of the forest started moving chaotically as if a powerful wind was blowing, but the air was still. On hearing and seeing this all I immediately pushed myself from my place. Never before had I run like that, my feet were flying over the road, my breath was heavy, I was suffocating but kept on running. Soon I was far from the woods and the cries stayed behind but I could still hear their chilling echoes from far away.
  
  After running for what seemed like eternity, the village drew closer and I could already see It's gates. I was ready for another voice to scream right behind me but now I wouldn't turn around so as not to lose the sight of village. However this time no scream tore the silence. Instead a sudden gasp of wind brought whispers from all around me. Many voices whispering absurd things, scary things, things that made my blood chill though I couldn't make out what exactly they were saying; just abrupt and meaningless phrases. With fear pulsing in my veins I kept on running despite all those distractions. Now my feet were numb & I could barely drag them, I had completely lost my breath but the sight of the village gates kept me going. I never knew I wouldn't reach them. With whispers now already in my head I was still moving towards the gates, until the gates started moving away from me. This I refused to believe. It looked like someone's invisible hand was pulling the village and the road from beneath my feet. The whole scene was blurred; I could only distinguish the houses moving farther and the road growing in length. In a glimpse the village, my only haven, was taken away as I was again standing where I started - near the woods on an empty path towards the village, which was in its old place again.
  
  I was drained, powerless, so exhausted that I could barely keep me on my feet. My heartbeat was knocking at my ears, every sound around me was muted except for my heart and my breath. Suffocating, I looked up at the sky; the stormy clouds had covered it all and as it was getting darker the skies too looked deathly grey, with partial shades of black. Some especially blackened parts of the skies seemed to descend to the very trees making a huge wall of blackness surrounding a tremendous area of ground. You don't see such scene every day. I felt like in a dream, or maybe a nightmare. I started to have hallucinations; it felt like the woods were closing on me from both sides while the skies seemed to be falling on the ground. Whispers were already in my head, driving me mad slowly. Occasionally different screams would join in with the whispers, but main voices kept whispering. Whispering things that I couldn't understand, mostly gibberish, chaotic, meaningless words and phrases.
  
  In hopelessness I dropped my drained body on the ground and looked at the skies, which already looked more like a ceiling than actual sky. All blackened, the clouds had really descended so low that tops of some trees were already swallowed by thousands of black mouths. Screams started coming from all sides including the skies, whispers continued drilling my brain. I wasn't there anymore, I felt like in a dream and just like in all dreams you know that you'll eventually wake up and that thought brings soothing comfort to you, but this particular dream was a persisting one so I gathered all my remaining strength and rose on my feet. A strong wind was blowing through my body, whistling into my ears, the screams continued keeping the tension high, and as if that wasn't enough The village was now gone; it was sucked into a black abyss which was slowly moving towards me. On seeing this I automatically let out a cry, turned around to escape the blackness but was greeted with another dark wall some fifty meters away. It looked as if skies had finally fallen on earth and were now walking around in the form of fog and mist. All lost I didn't know what to do. I turned in my place, feeling the sense of reality fade away. As the blackness drew closer, terror assailed me, I looked towards the only place where there seemed to be no misty wall of clouds rushing at me and, after hesitating for a moment, hopelessly ran there - into the woods. The front bushes moved aside opening a passage for me and then closed behind me, swallowing what was left of me. The moment they closed, everything grew silent, leaving all that chaos in another world. It felt like in a coffin, except I could still hear the whispers. I couldn't tell anymore whether they were sounding in the forest or only in my mind, but one thing was clear to me - there was no end to this. Darkness was all around me, at first I couldn't see anything at all, but after a few moments my eyes adapted to it. My feet were covered in mud; the ground was all wet like in a swamp, I was surrounded with dense branches of trees forming a firm wall from all sides, I looked around and found no way of getting out, the "entrance" was sealed. I began pushing my way through the trees which stood like a natural fence. Branches hit me, pushed back as they tore my skin, my hands, my face. After fighting my way through several obstacles I realised I couldn't move forward anymore; I was too tired to struggle with the forest which seemed to be absorbing what was left of my strength and willpower, so I fell under some tree and closed my eyes. I couldn't differ my mind's voice from the whispers anymore; they both sounded the same to me. I opened my eyes. Some shadowy silhouettes were moving in the woods; I could hear them whisper. The wall of blackness had already reached the woods and was slowly moving at me from all sides. The whisperers blended into the void, so did their voices. The black abyss was now all around me. I didn't care anymore; it was just a dream to me. I closed my eyes again. Blackness.
A Horror-ish story I decided to write some time ago. Don't know if I managed to do that well so feedback is more than welcome! :)

The things that that trouble me most are

- Is the pacing of the story balanced?
- Is the atmosphere convincing?
- Any major grammar or punctuation errors?
- Is the ending predictable?
- Anything else You may notice while reading


EDIT: A good friend of mine :iconmydeviart: recommended to read this under this "song" [link] for more extreme atmosphere... I don't know whether that works cause I'm too scared to do that; the track itself scares the shit out of me :D
© 2012 - 2024 Vainamoinenian
Comments33
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Sean-M-Hollows's avatar
Very chilling atmosphere, but I must comment that the most horrifying thing here is the text clumps!
  ... Jokes aside, I feel that flaw distracts from the solid descriptions you have in play.
You want your readers to feel those nightmares, the stillness choking the night! They're not going to find that whilst on a scavenger hunt.  

There are also some instances which could be categorized as "overexplaining" the situation. That line detailing the bird and owl was bizarre, but was then proceeded by your perspective musing about the bird "that scared them that much." Something about that seemed unnecessary, and makes me wonder if you could've spared your word count a bit.

Overall, not bad, but needs another draft or two. :rose: