literature

All Too Much

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Vainamoinenian's avatar
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Literature Text

All too much I miss you all
And every tear like a waterfall
that rolled down my weary eyes
When came the time for our goodbyes--
When I had left. But in our hearts
We in secret swore to keep these parts
Of memories sweet and bitter, too,
For through remembrance of our pasts
We may again ignite our hearts


All too much I miss my home
Where I always had a place my own,
Where the sun was young and skies much bluer
Where not a word would sound so cruel,
From where I left. But in my heart
I took an oath to keep in mind
Our memories sweet and bitter, too,
For through remembrance of our pasts
We may again ignite our hearts


And all too much I miss my friends
Whose great devotion had no end,
Whom I had trusted with my life
And who for me would even die,
Whom I had left. But in our hearts
We in secret swore to keep these parts
Of memories sweet and bitter, too,
For through remembrance of our pasts
We may again ignite our hearts 


But most of all I miss my Love -
A work of a divinity above,
Who’s like an angel, an innocent child,
With face of a goddess and the purest heart;
Whom I had lost before I knew
Who chose to start her life anew,
Who went away. But in our hearts
We took an oath to keep these parts
Of memories sweet and our bitter pasts
So we may once again ignite our hearts


And many nights I lie awake
Pondering on the paths I take,
The abundant life I leave behind;
Abysmal truths I have to find
On nomad’s path still going far
I only have my one desire -
In your absence to take strength
And keep my memories wide awake
So they’ll one day ignite my heart


Oh, how I wish our hearts ignite


A poem I came up with one cold winter morning, 5th of January actually.
I always wanted to create something with the words "I miss you all too much", for some reason I had a feeling I read a poem with that phrase somewhere along my favourites on DA but after looking everywhere for that line I realised that I need to quit eating strange mushrooms I find near supermarkets...
Anyway, this poem is from a perspective of a wanderer who had left his home (maybe even country) looking for a new meaning, a new purpose, we can even say 'a new fire' to light his heart. Hope You'll like this. And yeah, criticism is more than welcome!

for Jan 5 - Jan 11 prompt "New beginnings" of :iconthewritersmeow:


Aghavnadzor, Armenia



--
Also I tried a new thingy by reading this poem, here's the soundcloud.com/vainamoinenian/…
Sorry for the awful background noise and the over-sublime tone of my voice, I have no idea how this should sound :B just wanted to participate in some fun action by :iconelocutionists:


-For criticism-

- Does the 7th line of the first 3 stanzas sound too off, or does it go well with the flow?
- Is the fact that there are 10 lines instead of 9 in the 4th stanza too confusing or breaking the normal flow of the poem?
- Is the ending good enough or does it need a continuation?
- How is the general flow?
© 2013 - 2024 Vainamoinenian
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GentlemanAnachronism's avatar
This is absolutely beautiful - proof positive that rhyming poetry still has a definite place in current lit. With regards to the crit questions:
- the 7th line maybe jars a wee bit because of the comma placement - the line looks as if it's about to end, and then the 'too' drops onto the end of that. On the other hand, it's a jarringness that does work within the frame of the poem, so.
- I didn't notice the extra line until it was pointed out to me, so I'd say not at all.
- Ending works just fine, and leaves a sort of plaintive loneliness hanging in the air (forgive the dramatic phrasing, I am tired and overcaffeinated XD). I don't think it needs a continuation, but it wouldn't be badly brought down by one.
- General flow is superb. Good use of rhyme, lines flow on from one another, and the whole thing works as a piece. In conclusion, really really nice work.